Dang I really want to go to school already and get on with life.

It's cool, for our dorms, our halls have specific themes and we get to pick which hall we want to be in. I don't remember which one I picked, I think it was the engineering one. But I hope I don't get into that one, I hope I get in to the music hall or performing arts hall or the leadership hall or something. I hope I can switch my hall.

Awh.

You don't blog anymore..

The gym has been treating me well. Hopefully this carries on everyday. And yes.

I got to talk to Loren today. Even though I haven't kicked it with for around 4 or so, it's just like old times, where we both joke about anything. Pretty cool. He lended me season 1 of The Walking Dead, which i hear is pretty good.

Life's pretty good right now. Pretty easy. I wish I can visit you, I literally can drive there and visit. But sadly I can't. If we never went through with that dumb decision in the past, we would still be able to talk to each other. I would be able to visit you at school and just be there for you. But it's cool. It was a wake-up call.

Crazy Stupid Love

A movie I just finished. I was bored so I wanted to see a new movie that came out.

It was actually a good movie. An actual good romantic comedy. One of the quotes I got out from the movie was pretty cool. To put it in to context, the main character (Steve Carrell) just got divorced with his wife because she cheated on him. But he regrets it and wants her back. He believes that if you found your soulmate, you should fight for her, and never let her go.

"I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates."

A lot of the movie emphasized on embracing your soulmate, if you found them.. you fight for them.. even when it's hard.

I really do want to fight for you.. But maybe this fight includes letting you go for now. I need to straighten up my life, do good in school. I can imagine of how much your parents lost trust in me.. But maybe this is my fight. To straighten up and be a man of God.

I remember what my mom told me. "You can get back with Jen.. Once your life is straightened out. Once you do good in school."

I really want to believe your my soulmate. That would mean the world. Even statistics show that 80% of people have met their "soulmate" when they are 16 years old. But my own understanding does not compare to God's. He knows the plan, all I can do right now is trust in Him.

Gosh, I miss you. I really do. But now I'm just excited to see what God's plan is for us.

Antioch continues to be a blessing, not only was the mini debate informative.. their music team continues to amaze me. They played every song that our team wanted to play.. including Hillsong's new songs Rise and The Lost Are Found. Dang, God is Able is such a good album.. Hillsong is on a roll.

Bye.

Hope you like the CD. It's the new album if you didn't know. They even have an acoustic God is Able album. Soo sick. If you're figuring out the tracklist, just google the album's song list! Haha. It's good to know the names of the songs.

Dang. I would love to see Hillsong in concert. Or Jesus Culture. Dang I wish I could give you Jesus Culture's Come Away album. So good. Hopefully I get to see Chris Tomlin on the 10th of September.

I do also want to apologize for not having the power to say no too. As a man, I should be able to lead, especially when it came to decisions like that. I should not have given in. Our convictions became so stagnant, and we would always think its the last time. So yes, I do apologize.

Tonight I didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk to you. But I didn't. I don't think I can talk to you for a while, especially at these kind of events where Pastor Steve and Auntie Bella are there, haha. Even Pastor Caleb. But they gave me a good talk, just looking out for me. They know I'm a leader in my church and want my heart to be set right before I serve God again. They want me to come into repentance. So at the end of Pastor's talk to me, I asked him to pray for me. It was cool because I don't really know him too well, yet they were looking out for me. Showing compassion. Which was cool. It was a bit weird cause I don't know them too well. Oh well.

I asked Nick to pray for me. It was funny, I was going to go up to Nick, but you immediately went to Imari. So it'd be awkward if we both went up at the same time. So I just came to him later. It's cool seeing how much he's grown. Praise God. I was honest with him and told him what I've strugged with, and how I'm trying to repent from it and have God take my life into a different direction. His prayer was powerful.

I'm pretty happy. God has been good. Even though I still find myself irritated by my parents easily because they are always mad at me once they see me and tell me not to screw up my life everyday. They pretty much shove academics down my throat.

Have fun in school. Do well, and just be loving towards everyone.

I'm actually fine at letting go of this. I do miss you. But God has given me such a great support of believers, that they'll be here for me when I'm going through tough times. I'm happy that I have people to keep me accountable and encourage me.

But I'm pretty sure we'll be able to talk again one day. Yeah. God-willing. Sorry my blogs aren't that long. I don't like making things extravagant. I like it when you do though. Thanks for your blogs.

Good luck with school, take care Jenni.

Now my parents tell me to look for a job. Well thanks, you should've told me earlier. 16 units and a job.. I'm going to die.

God,

thanks for letting me lead worship tonight. It was fun, and I was given a lot of good feedback from many. But it's all for your glory. I hope to be able to continue this in the future.

By your grace, even by the mistakes I've made, you've given me too many second chances.

Before I forget.

I want to make it a habit to document my thoughts.

Today went not so smooth. I'm influencing my sister pretty bad. I know it sounds harmless, but she was playing computer games before she finished her homework. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but to my mom it is. My mom got mad at her. And I knew it was my fault. Most of this summer break I spend my time in front of the computer, playing games. My own little sister has picked up on that, and I don't want to corrupt her habits. Her habits of doing her homework when she gets home and practicing piano/trumpet are great, and I don't want to be a terrible influence. My mom was mad to the point where Ally was trying, the whole was yelling.

After that, an hour later, my dad lost his temper when he thought Ally was complaining about the heat. I know where I get my terrible temper now.. from my dad. My dad can go from the nicest, genuine guy to the maddest person ever. It's crazy. Once he loses his temper the whole house is a mess. Ally's crying, Kevin's upset, my Mom goes to her room upset. I just try to help.

I really need to fix my life. My dad even told me that. With this month I have now, I need to create good habits that'll pass on to college. Sleeping early, limiting computer time, doing things without mom and dad telling me. I need to order my textbooks, cook with my family without them asking me, and so on. Read my Bible and Crazy Love at night. That's my goal as of now. To create these good habits, and serve my family.

I want my future wife to have the best man she can through me. I need to be prepared for that by just preparing my habits. It takes about 40 days to create a habit, so let's hope these goals become accomplished everyday. I can't let the rest of this break go to waste.

But yeah. Another thought. A more positive one. A couple of Antioch's worship leaders.. Tyson & Julietta. They made an EP, that I bought off iTunes with a gift card I had. I really admire it. It makes me think, one day I wish I can make music with my future wife. Even though I'm not the best yet, I do want to get better over the years. I want to create an album with my future wife, with at least a couple of original worship songs. I would love to serve God along her side, leading worship with her at our church. With Taylor guitars. Just kidding. Or maybe not kidding. But yeah.

I think that's a cool idea.

I knew you were going to gain weight because of this.. Haha. But I'm pretty sure it's not 10-15 pounds. But yes.

I'm glad to hear you and your mom are bonding. That's good. I hope everything works out with your sister taking you to class, and you being okay at school. That's good to hear that you're trying to recover.

Haha, wow I'm scared of your dad. But yeah, I'll be careful. I feel like I lost any sort of approval your parents possibly had for me. I feel so bad.

Lately, I've been hanging out with Jay and Karl, and others. They've been there for me, and keeping me accountable. I really need to turn away from my old ways.

Haha, I do the same thing as you. Always check your Facebook/Tumblr(even though you never post anything, but me neither)/Blogspot. Funny how you found my Wix Portfolio. I wish I put more work into it, it was for my Digital Photo class.

Yeah. I do hope you're doing well. And that you are going to get better. Man. I can't ask you. I just have to pray.

You keep saying you'd be sad if I was okay while you were typing up your blogs, truth is I'm just as sad as you are.

I've been doing okay. I'm sharing a message at Student Venture Wednesday and leading worship this Thursday. By the grace of God, He's giving me these opportunities, even after my lowest points in sin. Father, please let me not disappoint you but only bring glory to you.

I wonder how the future is going to be like. How college is going to be. Will we be talking? I don't know. Yes God has a will and a person for us. But I don't know. I feel like it is you. I want it to be you. I want to be there until the end, no matter what the hardship or struggle that is in the way. Just as your mom said, "If he is there after college, then he is the one for you."

I wish I can keep up with blogging, I feel bad if you do and I don't.

I still feel terrible, how bad you're hurt. It's there for life.. That is why I always want to know how your back is doing, if it's healing. It's sad to hear that it is still hurting.. I really hope it gets better so you can move out and go to college and find a job. I should've jumped down, even if my mom was downstairs. I should've jumped down first and caught you.

...Better yet, I should've told you to go home. It was in my gut to tell you.

It's funny, to be honest, when it's nighttime and I think about you and how I miss you a lot, and about the sex and thrills, I would actually stop myself from thinking about it. Because I remember how you're hurt because of it, how your back is not doing well at all. Because of my sin, our sin, that was the outcome. What do I get? Nothing?

God, let me not fail you now. Prepare my relationship with you before I'm in a relationship with someone else.

I miss you. I want to talk to you, and just see how your day is. I'm still hurting. But it's for the better. We were so in sin, that we hindered each other from God. Even the strongest Christians have flaws.

It was crazy, when my dad realized you had an x-ray Monday, he freaked out. He knew there was a chance that you would be pregnant (even though I know for sure you're not), because he thinks the x-ray can take out a possible life. While even though that is true, it wouldn't be a living thing yet, because no life has developed yet. So there wouldn't be no harm to anyone. But still.

God you want us back. Have us.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" - Isaiah 6:8

Funny, after hanging out with Karl and Jay today, and staying around the Bible College today, I seriously want to enroll there, after UCI. I think it'll be a cool way to grow into God's Word and Ministry more. It's close to home, so I wouldn't have to dorm. And the classes look cool. God-willing, maybe it'll happen.

Well, that's all I guess for today. Hopefully another tomorrow.

Haha, this video made me smile.

New post coming soon.. I'm not home.