Funny how you always try to fix the way I'm wearing something, or how you always brush off dust off of my shirt or something. Even during my graduation. Haha.

The year I'll be able to hold you, call you mine, and kiss you, during 12 o'clock am on New Years' Day, that'll be the day God-willing.

Oh what a year.

I'm eating beef steak, and I thought of you.

The thing is...

I really did want to show emotion. I really did. But my better self knew that I should not have sparked emotions again. I knew I should not have talked to you. We can't do that. But yet I did. As I saw us both online on Facebook and ooVoo for hours, and we haven't said a word.. I was really tempted to IM you.

I'm sorry Jen, I'm sorry if it seemed emotionless when I talked to you. I was struggling. At the moment, I knew I should not be talking to you. And yet I was. I just wanted to ask a question. I didn't want to rekindle any emotions between us. Plus it's just words behind a computer screen...

I really am sorry. The thing to me was we should not have been talking in the first place, I should not have IM'ed you in the first place. Sorry for your feelings being toyed..

I talked to my mom today. My mom told me she could not even go to the IVVC/CCBC Christmas dinner because she still can't find the courage to look the Bugarin parents in the eye. She's still ashamed of what happened. That hit me.

She agrees that we're on a break. I am too. I took advantage of you. I had no right in doing so. I stumbled you. I got us to sin.

But I'm glad. From what it seems, you're growing. (: I'm happy.

I get to share a devotion at the YABS party this Friday. And it's great to serve the youth again, but I must always remember Luke 16:10.. even taking out the trash at the end of the service and making sure the building is clean is a faithful job.

I need to start inviting people to youth again. We can't be content in our new venue, that opportunity is for us to grow, not to be comfortable. Especially financially, we cannot support the new building if we're not faithful in growing our body in Christ.

I'm also happy to serve alongside of Kuya Marlon again. I'm starting to volunteer helping him at the orphanage he works at, as well as serving with the homeless ministry in San Diego.

God, take all of me.

To be honest, I do miss you. Alot. Especially now that finals are over, there's more idle time, and usually that idle time keeps my mind wandering. I'd miss the moments we'd spend together. But these feelings will be directed towards God.

nhappy.

Do you remember that?

I remember the day I showed you this song. The current state you were in. You felt like I wasn't putting in effort when I talk to you, or just I was not putting in effort. You felt like we were falling apart.

Today's Recollection of Thoughts

I talked to Abby today. It was actually a good talk. We talked about each other's walks, and how she really wants to look for Christians. She feels alone all the time because of work and school and how she doesn't live in the residential halls where freshmen are able to meet. I was glad to be able to talk to her as a brother. And crack a lot of jokes.

Ironically, she told me she stalks me. My blog and my Facebook. And I thought she hated me...

I even told her how I "thought" I liked her during Revamp. I honestly don't know if I did. I loved Jen. I just thought Abby was a cool person. To this day, I'm confused if I actually did. If I did, I wasn't focused on it, I was truly enjoying serving God during Revamp... to the point where I tried to not think about Abby. The definition of liking someone is so vague and relative...

She said she's always considered me a good person in general. It was funny how she put it, she's always considered me an "elite" in her list of "elite people". Like people who had a similar way of thinking as her, and a way they viewed the world. I guess it was a compliment.

But she went as far as saying I'm too good for Jen. She said I could find someone better.

Do I agree with what she said? Of course not. I don't wanna be all cliche and say, "no, Jen's the one who deserves better." Because the truth is God always wants the best for both of us. But I guess I didn't agree.


Maybe part of what Abby said could be from the fact that she wasn't too fond of Jen... She even said she was very similar to her. I know she's really good at not liking people sometimes.


Jen deserves a person who can enable her to seek God more. A person who loves God more than her. And yet, a person who can truly love her. As long as she seeks God's Will, that person will come.

I owe Jen a lot.

The Growing Apart Process.

My sole wish for you is that you really fill yourself with God, instead of being open to "try" new things. Of course, you know better. The question is if you actually have the action to do better. If you do, that's great, we'll have a chance together in the end. If not, then, I guess it's time for me to move on.

I guess the same could happen vice verses though.

Timing.

It's funny how God works sometimes. Before I show up to Jhasmyne's, last minute, I decided to stop by my mom's friends house to say hi to my mom because I have not seen her. It took 8 more minutes, before going to Jhasmyne's. I show up at Jhasmyne's, and eventually find out that you Jen was there, she left 8 minutes ago. I could have saw her, but instead I decided to see my mom. If I did not stop by to see my mom I could have seen her.. which I kind of wish I did. But it's cool, I got to see my mom.

*sigh*

you always have to meet guy friends more than girl friends. all the freakin' time. and they are always trying to talk to you cause you're cute. usually that's the case. and the friends you make are mutual friends with people I know that are party-goers. i just hope you don't fall in to the wrong crowd or anything.

The secret isn’t simply to fall in love.. but to persist is love.. everyone has troubles, everyone makes mistakes, but real love finds a way.. that’s how you know..

Pretty sad

to see that you're not on the left side of my Facebook where my friends are. Usually when I go on my profile it shows you, because Facebook knows I always talk to you. But ever since I've stopped talking to you, you've finally disappeared from my friends on the left side of my profile. Even Facebook knows we're not talking. Ha.

Blog Dat.

Yes. Nice to know you're doing good and meeting friends in college. Yay. And that you went to a church. That was cool! But yes. I hope you maintain that willingness to be independent and not always seeking for attention. That too, sometimes you seek attention from different places. But it's okay. We all do that.

That's good you were there for Avo. But let's hope he wasn't trying to replace his girlfriend with you at the time, plus I wouldn't know if you guys were in his dorm alone. That's a bothering thought. :| I hope you maintain your limits and integrity. I know he's a good friend and such, but there's still gotta be limits if you want to continually repent and do the Word of God. I hope you find those limits.

But yes. Thanks for calling me today and letting me know. I wished I got to talk to you more but everyone was at my house watching The Walking Dead. We all went to my house after club rush. Jay slept over last night haha. We didn't even sleep til 6. Good stuff.

Being nice, I know I guess can be stumbling. Yes it can give girls the attention they want. But that is never my intention. My intention is to just always build a friendship, and continue building that friendship. And hopefully show them how a follower of Christ lives.

Anyway, thanks for calling. What a relief. I actually texted my dad that you got your period because he's really worried and he thinks the pull-out/withdrawal method does not work, haha. He didn't say anything back. But he never does.

Alright. I really want to go to school already. I'm already planning on hanging out with so many different people I met at orientation and in the dorms/hallways I was assigned in. And the Temecula people that are going to Irvine. Regine and my friend Saya got the same floor in the same hall in the same dorm. Haha, oh the odds.

I'm pretty happy with the dorm I'm in. I got Mesa Court, which is the better/nicer dorm option than Middle Earth. My hallway (building) is a Performing Arts Hall called Prado. It's cool because each hall in Mesa Court has a theme. I think you'd like living in this hall, you love performing, whether it's singing, dancing, or acting. But yeah. At least they have a dance room which is cool. But one of their rooms on the second floor is haunted, there's a famous story that runs around the city of Trvine about the ghost story of Prado in UCI.

I got a single room, as oppposed to a double, or a triple. I kind of wanted to have a roommate, so I can meet someone new, but I honestly don't mind having a single room. I can be less distracted. And you can even drive up here and just sleep over in my dorm room without any worries of my roommate. Haha, just kidding about the sleeping over part. But yesh, single living shall be interesting! Dorm life too.

But yes! Hang in there. I love you Jen. God is still molding us.

Something I learned at YABS today.. or relearned:

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down. The streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who builds his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.
Matthew 7:24-27

We must put into practice what we learned. This has always been a constant, even though my church teaches and emphasizes practicality instead of theology for the most part. I always know the Word of God, but sometimes I'm just stagnant to do the Word of God. Yes, maybe I do in some parts, like love. But in other parts, like being honest with my parents or forgiving others, or not holding grudges, or just going the extra mile for someone, or just turning the other cheek. I know all of this. But sometimes I don't do.

The beautiful thing about Jesus's teachings, especially on the Sermon on the Mount, is that it was different than the teaching of the Pharisees back in the day. The way Jesus taught, yes, He did teach on knowledge and knowing the Word of God, but also He took the further step and encouraged applying what you learn, and living the Word. In every way possible. We learn so many rules and doctrines of the Word, but it really can be summed up in one thing. Love. If we love, we wouldn't commit adultury, fornication, we would honor our parents, and so on.

It's just a great reminder that we'll have a strong foundation in our life if we do God's Word, and live His story.

Dependency.

I have too much time on my hands. Well I'll try blogging more often. I'll probably blog more in mini-blogs rather than long ones cause my brain can't hold that many thoughts. Haha.

I'm watching season one of The Walking Dead right now. It's a popular new series that a lot of people I know have seen, and it's about zombies. I never watch anything zombie-related and Loren lent me the first season of it.

But yeah. I hope you're doing okay. It sounds like you are. I'm just sad to hear about your back or your headaches.. but yeah. I really wish I can do something to help, like drive down and bring you medicine or food or something.

One big thing I remember though when I talked to your sister. Your sister told me something, that you are very dependent on people. And I noticed that, a lot. It's true. You depend on your sister a lot.. or others to give you rides or pay for your food or whatever. Nothing bad about that. You depended on me a lot, and a lot of times I let you down.. But that's the past. For example, when you let yourself drink because you were with older people who were drinking. Or when you had sex and thought it was okay, because I was okay with it (I admit, I failed that too).

Don't worry, I'm way past those mistakes. I fail too.

To be honest, there's nothing wrong with being dependent on others. But one thing that would be cool is to just to be independent sometimes. Depend on God alone, and not resort to people sometimes. I mean it's good to depend on others, but it's also good to be independent. Personally, I think it's an attractive character trait when a girl is independent. Like when Jackie would go to Antioch by herself even when her sisters would not go with her. I could also tell Raelene is independent too.

Of course there is a such thing as being too independent, and disregarding other people. But that's not what I'm trying to get at. What I'm trying to say is, try and develop the habit of initiating decisions on your own. If you know it's wrong, then choose not to do it, even if others around you are. Cliche as heck, but true. If God put a choice in your heart, make that choice and don't let others make that choice for you.

And keep being honest to your parents. I could tell when they sat down with us and they were asking you why you drove up to Temecula, you told them that, "You wanted to help a friend out by giving him a ride." You never said that you headed up here because you wanted to see me... well, not 'til the very end after the bajillionth time your mom asked you why you went to Temecula. But yeah, we both knew that was the main reason you wanted to come up here that day. But don't worry, it's something I've been definitely working on too.

But yeah! Keep doing your thing in college. Make friends. Do well. Heal up. Try working on making decisions on your own. (: I know you can establish that habit, with God on your side.

I miss you.

Dang I really want to go to school already and get on with life.

It's cool, for our dorms, our halls have specific themes and we get to pick which hall we want to be in. I don't remember which one I picked, I think it was the engineering one. But I hope I don't get into that one, I hope I get in to the music hall or performing arts hall or the leadership hall or something. I hope I can switch my hall.

Awh.

You don't blog anymore..

The gym has been treating me well. Hopefully this carries on everyday. And yes.

I got to talk to Loren today. Even though I haven't kicked it with for around 4 or so, it's just like old times, where we both joke about anything. Pretty cool. He lended me season 1 of The Walking Dead, which i hear is pretty good.

Life's pretty good right now. Pretty easy. I wish I can visit you, I literally can drive there and visit. But sadly I can't. If we never went through with that dumb decision in the past, we would still be able to talk to each other. I would be able to visit you at school and just be there for you. But it's cool. It was a wake-up call.

Crazy Stupid Love

A movie I just finished. I was bored so I wanted to see a new movie that came out.

It was actually a good movie. An actual good romantic comedy. One of the quotes I got out from the movie was pretty cool. To put it in to context, the main character (Steve Carrell) just got divorced with his wife because she cheated on him. But he regrets it and wants her back. He believes that if you found your soulmate, you should fight for her, and never let her go.

"I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates."

A lot of the movie emphasized on embracing your soulmate, if you found them.. you fight for them.. even when it's hard.

I really do want to fight for you.. But maybe this fight includes letting you go for now. I need to straighten up my life, do good in school. I can imagine of how much your parents lost trust in me.. But maybe this is my fight. To straighten up and be a man of God.

I remember what my mom told me. "You can get back with Jen.. Once your life is straightened out. Once you do good in school."

I really want to believe your my soulmate. That would mean the world. Even statistics show that 80% of people have met their "soulmate" when they are 16 years old. But my own understanding does not compare to God's. He knows the plan, all I can do right now is trust in Him.

Gosh, I miss you. I really do. But now I'm just excited to see what God's plan is for us.

Antioch continues to be a blessing, not only was the mini debate informative.. their music team continues to amaze me. They played every song that our team wanted to play.. including Hillsong's new songs Rise and The Lost Are Found. Dang, God is Able is such a good album.. Hillsong is on a roll.

Bye.

Hope you like the CD. It's the new album if you didn't know. They even have an acoustic God is Able album. Soo sick. If you're figuring out the tracklist, just google the album's song list! Haha. It's good to know the names of the songs.

Dang. I would love to see Hillsong in concert. Or Jesus Culture. Dang I wish I could give you Jesus Culture's Come Away album. So good. Hopefully I get to see Chris Tomlin on the 10th of September.

I do also want to apologize for not having the power to say no too. As a man, I should be able to lead, especially when it came to decisions like that. I should not have given in. Our convictions became so stagnant, and we would always think its the last time. So yes, I do apologize.

Tonight I didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk to you. But I didn't. I don't think I can talk to you for a while, especially at these kind of events where Pastor Steve and Auntie Bella are there, haha. Even Pastor Caleb. But they gave me a good talk, just looking out for me. They know I'm a leader in my church and want my heart to be set right before I serve God again. They want me to come into repentance. So at the end of Pastor's talk to me, I asked him to pray for me. It was cool because I don't really know him too well, yet they were looking out for me. Showing compassion. Which was cool. It was a bit weird cause I don't know them too well. Oh well.

I asked Nick to pray for me. It was funny, I was going to go up to Nick, but you immediately went to Imari. So it'd be awkward if we both went up at the same time. So I just came to him later. It's cool seeing how much he's grown. Praise God. I was honest with him and told him what I've strugged with, and how I'm trying to repent from it and have God take my life into a different direction. His prayer was powerful.

I'm pretty happy. God has been good. Even though I still find myself irritated by my parents easily because they are always mad at me once they see me and tell me not to screw up my life everyday. They pretty much shove academics down my throat.

Have fun in school. Do well, and just be loving towards everyone.

I'm actually fine at letting go of this. I do miss you. But God has given me such a great support of believers, that they'll be here for me when I'm going through tough times. I'm happy that I have people to keep me accountable and encourage me.

But I'm pretty sure we'll be able to talk again one day. Yeah. God-willing. Sorry my blogs aren't that long. I don't like making things extravagant. I like it when you do though. Thanks for your blogs.

Good luck with school, take care Jenni.

Now my parents tell me to look for a job. Well thanks, you should've told me earlier. 16 units and a job.. I'm going to die.

God,

thanks for letting me lead worship tonight. It was fun, and I was given a lot of good feedback from many. But it's all for your glory. I hope to be able to continue this in the future.

By your grace, even by the mistakes I've made, you've given me too many second chances.

Before I forget.

I want to make it a habit to document my thoughts.

Today went not so smooth. I'm influencing my sister pretty bad. I know it sounds harmless, but she was playing computer games before she finished her homework. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but to my mom it is. My mom got mad at her. And I knew it was my fault. Most of this summer break I spend my time in front of the computer, playing games. My own little sister has picked up on that, and I don't want to corrupt her habits. Her habits of doing her homework when she gets home and practicing piano/trumpet are great, and I don't want to be a terrible influence. My mom was mad to the point where Ally was trying, the whole was yelling.

After that, an hour later, my dad lost his temper when he thought Ally was complaining about the heat. I know where I get my terrible temper now.. from my dad. My dad can go from the nicest, genuine guy to the maddest person ever. It's crazy. Once he loses his temper the whole house is a mess. Ally's crying, Kevin's upset, my Mom goes to her room upset. I just try to help.

I really need to fix my life. My dad even told me that. With this month I have now, I need to create good habits that'll pass on to college. Sleeping early, limiting computer time, doing things without mom and dad telling me. I need to order my textbooks, cook with my family without them asking me, and so on. Read my Bible and Crazy Love at night. That's my goal as of now. To create these good habits, and serve my family.

I want my future wife to have the best man she can through me. I need to be prepared for that by just preparing my habits. It takes about 40 days to create a habit, so let's hope these goals become accomplished everyday. I can't let the rest of this break go to waste.

But yeah. Another thought. A more positive one. A couple of Antioch's worship leaders.. Tyson & Julietta. They made an EP, that I bought off iTunes with a gift card I had. I really admire it. It makes me think, one day I wish I can make music with my future wife. Even though I'm not the best yet, I do want to get better over the years. I want to create an album with my future wife, with at least a couple of original worship songs. I would love to serve God along her side, leading worship with her at our church. With Taylor guitars. Just kidding. Or maybe not kidding. But yeah.

I think that's a cool idea.

I knew you were going to gain weight because of this.. Haha. But I'm pretty sure it's not 10-15 pounds. But yes.

I'm glad to hear you and your mom are bonding. That's good. I hope everything works out with your sister taking you to class, and you being okay at school. That's good to hear that you're trying to recover.

Haha, wow I'm scared of your dad. But yeah, I'll be careful. I feel like I lost any sort of approval your parents possibly had for me. I feel so bad.

Lately, I've been hanging out with Jay and Karl, and others. They've been there for me, and keeping me accountable. I really need to turn away from my old ways.

Haha, I do the same thing as you. Always check your Facebook/Tumblr(even though you never post anything, but me neither)/Blogspot. Funny how you found my Wix Portfolio. I wish I put more work into it, it was for my Digital Photo class.

Yeah. I do hope you're doing well. And that you are going to get better. Man. I can't ask you. I just have to pray.

You keep saying you'd be sad if I was okay while you were typing up your blogs, truth is I'm just as sad as you are.

I've been doing okay. I'm sharing a message at Student Venture Wednesday and leading worship this Thursday. By the grace of God, He's giving me these opportunities, even after my lowest points in sin. Father, please let me not disappoint you but only bring glory to you.

I wonder how the future is going to be like. How college is going to be. Will we be talking? I don't know. Yes God has a will and a person for us. But I don't know. I feel like it is you. I want it to be you. I want to be there until the end, no matter what the hardship or struggle that is in the way. Just as your mom said, "If he is there after college, then he is the one for you."

I wish I can keep up with blogging, I feel bad if you do and I don't.

I still feel terrible, how bad you're hurt. It's there for life.. That is why I always want to know how your back is doing, if it's healing. It's sad to hear that it is still hurting.. I really hope it gets better so you can move out and go to college and find a job. I should've jumped down, even if my mom was downstairs. I should've jumped down first and caught you.

...Better yet, I should've told you to go home. It was in my gut to tell you.

It's funny, to be honest, when it's nighttime and I think about you and how I miss you a lot, and about the sex and thrills, I would actually stop myself from thinking about it. Because I remember how you're hurt because of it, how your back is not doing well at all. Because of my sin, our sin, that was the outcome. What do I get? Nothing?

God, let me not fail you now. Prepare my relationship with you before I'm in a relationship with someone else.

I miss you. I want to talk to you, and just see how your day is. I'm still hurting. But it's for the better. We were so in sin, that we hindered each other from God. Even the strongest Christians have flaws.

It was crazy, when my dad realized you had an x-ray Monday, he freaked out. He knew there was a chance that you would be pregnant (even though I know for sure you're not), because he thinks the x-ray can take out a possible life. While even though that is true, it wouldn't be a living thing yet, because no life has developed yet. So there wouldn't be no harm to anyone. But still.

God you want us back. Have us.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" - Isaiah 6:8

Funny, after hanging out with Karl and Jay today, and staying around the Bible College today, I seriously want to enroll there, after UCI. I think it'll be a cool way to grow into God's Word and Ministry more. It's close to home, so I wouldn't have to dorm. And the classes look cool. God-willing, maybe it'll happen.

Well, that's all I guess for today. Hopefully another tomorrow.

Haha, this video made me smile.

New post coming soon.. I'm not home.

Knew this would happen.

I know I was mad at her, and I know we're not supposed to be attached to each other anymore.

But dang, I miss her.

Be safe tonight, love.



Song's lyrics match how I feel right now.

You're an idiot.

I can't believe you did that, and your reasoning behind it was so bad.. That's something a non-believer would say. It's as if Christ and serving at the church constantly is meaningless to you. I'm considering ending it.

This relates to me so much..

"It's funny how I thought I was pro-life.. until it happened to me."

Jay just posted this video on Tumblr, and it totally struck me. Especially with what's been happening lately.

God, teach me to be pure. Let me be satisfied in you, and in you alone. Continue to discipline me. Thank you for your forgiveness, for no condemnation..

Waiting Game.

Dear friend,

I have been inspired to write Perks of Being a Wallflower journal entry style. Its one of my favorite books.

I feel really bad that I rarely update this thing, but I like checking it to see what she posts. It's always nice to reread something heartwarming and directed towards me. I just feel bad that I just don't have the time to write all the time.

I like the way we're just comfortable with each other. Like we can talk about anything. I like the way we genuinely love each other. Yes, we have our corny cute moments, moments I enjoy, but I truly love the way we're willing to be patient for us. Because right now just is not the time, she's got to look for a job, get better grades, and be trustworthy towards her family, while I just have to look for a job too and pay off my ticket. (NTS: Never get a ticket again)

But yes, I have had plenty of enjoyable moments with her lately. Some moments that I feel guilty about when I rethink it in my head again, and when I think of possible things that could have happened if moments lasted longer. And other moments that just make me happy to rethink. But I always remind her and myself, as she reminds me and herself, that we have to wait. To wait for God's Will, whether we end up together or not. Cause love is patient. (1 Cor. 13:4) Love is willing to wait for the right time. And not just wait, but plan.

And I plan to marry her one day. That's if, God's willing me to. I just need to continually communicate with Him to ask what He wants for me.

But yes, I love the way she smiles. The way she talks. The way she acts like me. The way she smells. The way her lips meet mine. The way she talks about Kingdom Hearts. The way she looks at me when we're close. The way she sings. Cliche stuff. Man its been 2 years.

Honestly, she was one of my inspirations to start singing 6 months ago.

But again, its just the time to wait for her. And to focus our time on God and the opportunities given to us right now. And I'm not worried, cause trust in God and trust in her gives me no reason whatsoever to worry. I love her. Thanks God.

With love,
Tim.