Funny how you always try to fix the way I'm wearing something, or how you always brush off dust off of my shirt or something. Even during my graduation. Haha.

The year I'll be able to hold you, call you mine, and kiss you, during 12 o'clock am on New Years' Day, that'll be the day God-willing.

Oh what a year.

I'm eating beef steak, and I thought of you.

The thing is...

I really did want to show emotion. I really did. But my better self knew that I should not have sparked emotions again. I knew I should not have talked to you. We can't do that. But yet I did. As I saw us both online on Facebook and ooVoo for hours, and we haven't said a word.. I was really tempted to IM you.

I'm sorry Jen, I'm sorry if it seemed emotionless when I talked to you. I was struggling. At the moment, I knew I should not be talking to you. And yet I was. I just wanted to ask a question. I didn't want to rekindle any emotions between us. Plus it's just words behind a computer screen...

I really am sorry. The thing to me was we should not have been talking in the first place, I should not have IM'ed you in the first place. Sorry for your feelings being toyed..

I talked to my mom today. My mom told me she could not even go to the IVVC/CCBC Christmas dinner because she still can't find the courage to look the Bugarin parents in the eye. She's still ashamed of what happened. That hit me.

She agrees that we're on a break. I am too. I took advantage of you. I had no right in doing so. I stumbled you. I got us to sin.

But I'm glad. From what it seems, you're growing. (: I'm happy.

I get to share a devotion at the YABS party this Friday. And it's great to serve the youth again, but I must always remember Luke 16:10.. even taking out the trash at the end of the service and making sure the building is clean is a faithful job.

I need to start inviting people to youth again. We can't be content in our new venue, that opportunity is for us to grow, not to be comfortable. Especially financially, we cannot support the new building if we're not faithful in growing our body in Christ.

I'm also happy to serve alongside of Kuya Marlon again. I'm starting to volunteer helping him at the orphanage he works at, as well as serving with the homeless ministry in San Diego.

God, take all of me.

To be honest, I do miss you. Alot. Especially now that finals are over, there's more idle time, and usually that idle time keeps my mind wandering. I'd miss the moments we'd spend together. But these feelings will be directed towards God.

nhappy.

Do you remember that?

I remember the day I showed you this song. The current state you were in. You felt like I wasn't putting in effort when I talk to you, or just I was not putting in effort. You felt like we were falling apart.

Today's Recollection of Thoughts

I talked to Abby today. It was actually a good talk. We talked about each other's walks, and how she really wants to look for Christians. She feels alone all the time because of work and school and how she doesn't live in the residential halls where freshmen are able to meet. I was glad to be able to talk to her as a brother. And crack a lot of jokes.

Ironically, she told me she stalks me. My blog and my Facebook. And I thought she hated me...

I even told her how I "thought" I liked her during Revamp. I honestly don't know if I did. I loved Jen. I just thought Abby was a cool person. To this day, I'm confused if I actually did. If I did, I wasn't focused on it, I was truly enjoying serving God during Revamp... to the point where I tried to not think about Abby. The definition of liking someone is so vague and relative...

She said she's always considered me a good person in general. It was funny how she put it, she's always considered me an "elite" in her list of "elite people". Like people who had a similar way of thinking as her, and a way they viewed the world. I guess it was a compliment.

But she went as far as saying I'm too good for Jen. She said I could find someone better.

Do I agree with what she said? Of course not. I don't wanna be all cliche and say, "no, Jen's the one who deserves better." Because the truth is God always wants the best for both of us. But I guess I didn't agree.


Maybe part of what Abby said could be from the fact that she wasn't too fond of Jen... She even said she was very similar to her. I know she's really good at not liking people sometimes.


Jen deserves a person who can enable her to seek God more. A person who loves God more than her. And yet, a person who can truly love her. As long as she seeks God's Will, that person will come.

I owe Jen a lot.